What a crazy mix of emotions at the close of this crazy year.
Trying to ride the wave, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with gratitude that -- in spite of everything, much has been spared; it could always be "worse." Whatever that means. It is a wary sort of thanks, a cautious one. I see in so many ways that there is good, that there is light, that there is so much light around me. The gratitude is also selfish, greedy. Justified. Perhaps dangerous in this sense, I don't know.
There is a burning lust for change. For perhaps to be is.
And there is an acute awareness -- a pain -- that I cannot suck the poison from another's arm, although I may see it plainly. I want it to be gone, better. Everything can always be better.
Perhaps more than ever I feel counterpoised to my self. A passive onlooker who would prefer to go unnoticed, letting it all just unfold clumsily away. I feel very small, estranged. And husk-like. And calm.
The next time I write it will be a new year. Again, whatever that means.
I'll leave you with someone else's words, as even the words that I am writing now do not feel as though they belong to me.
LA/San Diego 2017
3 weeks ago