Place

Well, that's it, it's on the market (click the image to see the creepy Howard Hanna profile). If you didn't know already, my parents are moving out of the state, and selling the house I grew up in. And although I'm pretty ticked off that my parents went off to Greece, expecting me to deal with workmen, realty agents, neighbors, dog and their children, I still have enough energy left over to feel a little sad about having to let go of my childhood home, for good.

Most of it has been gone for a long time. The neighborhood I knew growing up is mostly gone, people have moved out of town. My parents have made so many changes to the house over the years, that it's already really different than the way I remember it being. They also made me get all of my stuff out of the place about a year ago, so I don't really have a room of my own there anymore. My brothers' rooms have been converted to sitting rooms and studies.

I honestly didn't expect to feel the pangs of nostalgia, but this weekend when I was there, heartily cursing my parents for leaving me alone and overridden with their life sh#!, I took a moment to look around and think about how nice it was to grow up in one place, one house, for all those years.

My parents and I don't often see eye to eye. They have built their lives around achieving stability--in particular financial and marital stability--above all things. Things like personal happiness, emotional stability, etc. I realize now that in many ways, the things that they valued and worked for in life were a direct response to things they lacked while they were growing up.

Both of their parents went through nasty divorces, just as my parents were leaving home for college. My mom's father didn't believe that women deserved to be educated, and didn't offer a dime for her education. My dad's parents' divorce trial made it to the New Jersey supreme court, and he, his six siblings, and their foster brother were caught in between some serious animosity. In brief, alcoholism, extra-marital affairs, emotional and physical abuse, endless petty court battles, suicide and chronic depression defined a good part of their young lives. And so, I'm sure at one point they made a resolution, both separately and together, that 1) their marriage would never end in divorce (this, is more my dad's big thing) and 2) they would achieve the kind of financial stability that would allow them to support a house, the full education of four children, etc. (my mom's particular leaning).

Perhaps because this is what they offered me growing up, and perhaps because it is all I know, I of course found flaws in their methodologies, as children of parents often do. Both of my parents, for instance, had difficulty controlling their tempers, and corporal punishment was not out of the question when I was growing up as it was for, say, my youngest sibling. And, while they saw me through my "necessary" education and day to day needs with an admirable, even enviable, steadfastness, other reasonable, but superfluous expenses or needs were deemed unworthy, and largely overlooked.

Looking back on it, I realize how young they were, and how fresh their family traumas must have been even after they had me and my brothers. How they were learning to be parents, as I was learning to be. And--part of me understands the decision-making there, however muddled with anger and insecurity, through that assumption of their vulnerability. I honestly believe that they were trying to make the world a better place in their own little way, and coming to terms with a lot of serious baggage in the meantime.

But, seeing the house as it is now, and remembering how it was, I can also see a big, beautiful part of what they were able to give me: a sense of place.

I mean a sense of place in more ways than one. Literally in that they gave me that house for twenty-odd years, and that childhood, which for the most part was pretty--stable. And I also got a sense of place in a different sense--more emotional and intellectual. An internal sense of place, which will be with me a long time after the house, and even the parents are gone. Confidence can come from any number of avenues and byways, but I attribute a good deal of my internal stability to my education and having had people--parents, friends--who did not always understand me, but who did offer support in the best way they knew how. You can't go off beating your own drum, so to speak, without a couple of decent mallots.

And so, thanks house, and thanks parents for doing all that you did.

I just can't change my parents

They aren't bad people. Actually, they're really nice. Respectable people. And they love me and I love them.
That said--they drive me absolutely nuts.

Sometimes, well, most of the time, we just don't seem to mesh. Like when they invite me to dinner, and I get there, and there's pork on the table, and potatoes that were cooked with the pork, and bread. Then, when I go to make myself another dish, and my mother asks me, "Isn't this food good enough for you?" I refuse to answer because she knows I'm a vegetarian.
Or when my dad showed me his office, which is an office, in a building. And he was so proud of it because he worked 21 years in a windowless office to get this job so he can have these windows. Whereas working in an office at all is not on my agenda! (I HATE offices!!!!)

To boot, I've been having problems at work. I'm pretty sure my boss has an alcohol problem. She's nasty, and capricious, and rude. And their refrain has been: what can you do to make it work?
They shrug and roll their eyes when I answer truthfully to the question, "How has work been?"

My parents are so busy encouraging me to work hard in life for the "things that matter," that they forget to have a little fun and forgiveness in the meantime*. I worry about them a little bit, and hope they're making the right choices for them.

(*My dad spends about 4 hours at his computer every day of vacation so far, emerging, thrilled and saying "I got some good work done today!")

I asked a friend before I went away for two weeks with my folks what my mantra should be, as they were already getting under my skin.

And he said, "You know, it took me years to figure this out, but you really can't change who your parents are." And he would know; he still has to deal with his parents shenanigans, despite living in a different state, having a life & family of his own, and having achieved a great deal of success in his career. From all I hear, they were/are pretty messed up. Alcohol, abuse, adultery. The works. He went on to say, "For a while I thought I could, like get my mom to stop drinking. I thought that if I was really on top of it she would have to come around, but she never did."

While I saw his point, I felt pretty sad about this. I was first sad because of what he had to go through, which I can't ever fully comprehend, nor wish to. Pang--it hit me like a cold wind when your hair's wet. I wish that he'd had a better time of it; but I think he turned out wonderfully.

I was also sad because of the subsequent wisdom his experience provided me. He was right. (Fshhewww, follow up cold wind...)

So. I probably can't really expect to see my parents, like, loosen up a bit on my terms. Nope. They'll either be who they are going to be, or they'll change for the better or worse, but I can't feel like I have the power to do anything with them. It's like your freshman year roommate. Sometimes you get a perfect match, and sometimes it ain't perfect. I just can't change my parents. I. just. can't. change.
my parents.

This got me happily through the next couple days of family vacation.

But you know what? I'm not zen yet. [Note: If you aren't ready for an utterly frivolous, nitty-gritty vent session, complete with dialogue, go back to failblog where you will find more one-to-one satisfaction...]

So.

Yesterday at dinner, my dad was trying to convince my 11 year old sister, that it might be more important to take up a rare sport for the "scholarship potential" in college. And I was like I can't change my parents, but in the battle over the sister, I'd like to reserve a small sphere of influence! That's bogus, I blurted, because then she'll have to do a sport all the way through that she might not like! Annie, do what you love, this will lead you do great things!
And the battle drums sound, a theatrical dance ensues:

Dad: I don't think so. Sometimes you have to work hard in life. Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice.
L: But she won't be happy. She will be depressed because she has to wake up and keep her scholarship! Annie, only do it if you want to!
Dad: No, I disagree. You can't always just do what you want. I worked hard to get where I am today.
L: Yeah? In an office with big windows? [L rolls eyes and twiddles pointer finger in the air] Well maybe some of us don't want that.
Dad: I worked hard for that office, 21 years. [Puts a mouthful of salmon into his mouth)
[Beat, L: This is, L realizes, not at all about Annie, but about Dad and L again...crud. Is it too late to back out now?]
Dad (continues): Your Mom had to take out loans in college and it has CRIPPLED us.
[Beat, L: Yep, in too deep.]
L: WHAT?! I think that's a bit strong!
Dad: How many two physician families do you know who live like we do?
[Set note: Gentle Martha's Vineyard sea breeze rustles the leaves of the 100-year old tree growing on the porch of my grandmother's condo, salty sea intermingles with the gentle perfume of lilies. Helloooo it's beautiful, we're on vacation on Martha's Vineyard, half the country is jobless!!!!]
L: How do we live?? I think we live FINE. VERY FINE. EXTREMELY COMFORTABLY! Are you KIDDING?!
Dad: It's crippled us. Think of where we could be.
[At this point L remembers the matra told to her by a wise man ~ I just can't change my parents ~ she turns dramatically to her 11 year old sister, who has now probably stopped thinking about college scholarships, and started wondering about when the s'more making will commence...]
L: Annie: If you are unhappy in what you do it's not worth anything. My best friend in college took out a ton of loans, and majored in Creative Writing! And she's fine! You should go for what you want in life. And if you have to wake up at 5 am to do lacrosse will that make you happy?
Annie: What's lacrosse?

End Scene.

Well, L's done it again! Gone and ignored very useful, sensible, even wise advice in favor of making the same damned mistake over and over until it's been beaten into her own non-fictional head. I feel, however, like I'm getting better each time. I'm not so emotionally bogged down by this kind of "discussion." And I'm starting to let go a little more each time, and be ok with their decisions, while I try harder to make decisions that are true to who I am.