Thursday, December 30, 2010

It's easy when things are easy

I didn't realize how much my living situation was really stressing me out until now, about one month out of it, I thought to myself, "Gee, I haven't thought about such and such."

For almost two years since I moved out of my dear friends' house (which was the best and easiest living situation I had ever had) I've been struggling with living situations that really got me down.

What started as an effort to build a small community, or unit, morphed into a nightmare. I grew to dread almost every normal interaction, and ultimately gave up on the idea that the house where I lived could ever really feel like a home. I had initially put a good deal of effort into my "first" home on my own in the real world.. And in exchange I was met at best with a lack of compatibility--consideration--and at worst with violent hostility.

The last few months living in that house, I stopped eating dinner altogether. I just couldn't bear seeing anyone. I'd get home, perhaps take a plate of crackers up to my room, clean, read, fall asleep.

It took a very frightening wake up call to get the heck out, and while it was scary, traumatic, disruptive, I'm really glad that it happened. I feel safe now. I come home and think about what I will cook and whether anybody else will be there to share it with. I am here, and here I can mostly just be me, still mindful of basic considerations, but not so mindful as to fuck up every now and then (cough, drunken sleep walking?) and get away with a crimson face and a good laugh.

Bottom line: I hate it when people say that some hardship will toughen my hide, or for one reason or another I actually need things to be difficult. That's bullshit. It's easy when things are easy, and I'm not in any way wishing things were different.

holy jesus fuck and a half....

I got a little too drunk last night....not sure how it happened so quickly......
Woke up in my bed, not sure where my cellphone was or how I even got there....
When I skyped my cellphone and finally found it, there was a text from my house mate asking whether I thought HIS room was my room..............


Scary thought to have...apparently I just got confused and walked in, and walked to his closet as though it was mine?

Remember when I said I thought my life was just a long line of highly mortifying experiences strung all together for the world to laugh at....

Well, furies, add this one to the list.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Missed you guys, and my little thinking room on the internet.

Haven't had much room for thought recently.

As most of you know, November fucking sucked.

But now I'm better. New house, new (and old) friends, new dress. GREAT new blouse, for that matter.

Fresh, happy, decorated. Put up paper chains and the little silver tree. All is well.

I have some good blog entries thought up in my little head, so stay tuned, kay?