Sunday, November 25, 2012

OK, so...

I guess I have to face it: I am the quintessential blogger stereotype. The old-school kind. The kind that only blogs when they have something to vent about or rant. This is me accepting that fact and moving on, this time -- surprise, surprise -- to vent. I wish I had the time or mental wherewithal to write some more luxuriously meandering posts like I used to, reflecting on things or people or experiences. But right now, I'm in a really selfish time in my life, because I'm fighting at the teeth for something that nobody fully understands, something that I, myself cannot fully understand.

So, dear non-readers.

Right now, I am feeling very alone. (I'm sorry to be so, cringeworthily cliché). This is not because I lack friends or a social infrastructure in my life. It is because I have committed myself to a singular vision for what I want to do. This is not something that I entirely know how to achieve, and it is absolutely something that 99.9% of people in the world do not understand.

I would like to be in the company of people who have a higher chance of understanding what I want, and am busting my ass for the mere chance of achieving that privilege. I don't think it will be a 100% payoff. But, one could liken that which I seek to the sensation of relief one feels when you find yourself seriously in love with somebody who seriously loves you back. It's a first big step in a long life of ups and downs, but it is a major prerequisite for those ups and downs, and a relief nonetheless. I want to allow myself to feel vulnerable again. Right now, I'm in the Hunger Games, and I'm keeping constant vigil.

And I don't really have anybody to talk about it with except for my computer screen and keyboard right now.

I need this to happen...I need this to happen....

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